THE GOTH TAG

1. How long have you been goth?  I consciously started identifying as "goth" at the end of highschool/during my year off from highschool. I'd actually also gone through a brief "goth" phase when I was in like, fourth grade I think? I only wanted to wear black/be "dark" but the only black article of clothing I owned was a fleece turtleneck pullover, and it was still hot out. (that phase didnt last long for that reason only)

This could've been me in fourth grade

ALSO, I've pretty much been obsessed with Halloween and horror movies since I was just a wee child. When we'd get flyers for the Halloween stores starting every September, I would collect all of them and literally keep them in a folder, coveting them like treasure, and would read through them repeatedly, totally entranced by all the super creepy costumes and spooky vibes. I also collected magazines and books that told of the history of the holiday, feeling a particular affinity to it because I have strong Irish heritage. I loved Autumn, I loved the dying leaves, and I loved the feeling of something lingering beyond the veil of Our World and Another that seemed to grow stronger every day with the changing seasons. (Probably that was also the beginning of me being a Witch of celtic origins too). 

My dad and I!! I'm probably four years old. 

My FIRST EVER Halloween costume was a bee, but
every year after that I was either a Witch or a Vampire

2. How were you introduced to goth? I didn't even know that certain bands were"goth" when I was first introduced to them. I'd been listening to The Cure, Depeche Mode, Soft Cell and some of the other kind of "darker" 80's New Wave bands since I was in elementary school, not even knowing who or what they were, and then in highschool discovered lots of gothic metal bands + Went to a bunch of metal concerts were there were definitely some crossover of Metal Goths or Industrial Goths, who I thought looked soo cool (but I was too young/broke to wear anything like that even if I wanted to).            Below pics: My kid brother with the home-made Rammstein Tshirt that I made, and a crowd before an Apocalyptica concert.

Then I got into original 1977/78 punk and then post-punk, I loved Joy Division and Bauhaus and Nick Cave / The Birthday Party, and The Jesus and Mary Chain, again not even knowing that they were essentially the beginnings of Goth.  TW: Fake Gore below

The first live Skinny Puppy video I saw.
Was totally hooked from that moment on
(And Ogre's weird dancing in this video was very influential to me)

 I didn't even know! I think It was probably when I got into Siouxsie and the Banshees or Skinny Puppy when I actually was like "oooh, thats dark" and then like, watched a shit ton of live concert videos of them. It's like, I've always just been into super dark things, horror movies, wearing weird clothing and being weird but never realizing that I was goth.



3. What gothic subgenre would you put yourself in?  I'm definitely a metalhead goth, but if not, I think there's a new kind of category of Goth style that's emerging from Salem, with a lot of stylistic influence from Chelsea Wolfe, Ashley Rose (Couture), Bill Crissafi, Ryan and Mathew Murray (Twin tattoo artists)... Its a kind of Southern-Gothic / Victorian / Folk-y Witch style, which I draw a lot of influence from, when I'm not just decked out in black jean shorts and oversized metal band tshirts. 

   Cute pics above with my good friend Scott! Check out their Insta for lots of good goth Looks!: babystingrei



4. What do you believe to be the basis of the gothic subculture? an undeniable affinity towards all things dark, macabre, maybe even spooky and curious. Identifying as a goth,  questioning the subculture (and generally everything) constantly, and doing your research about goth history, wanting to KNOW about it - This is highly talked about amongst the goth community, but essentially, in the age of technology that we live in, there's honestly no excuse to be uneducated about the community that you're a part of. If you really have the drive to call yourself goth, you have the entire internet at your disposal to do the research on what you're getting in to. If you truly want to be a goth, you should at least have the urge to want to know more (as opposed to this kind of new wave of "goth" online fashion / "get me a big tiddy goth gf" kind of mentality, where anyone who dresses in slightly darker shades of colour qualify as your goth gf. Do the work if you actually want to call yourself a goth.)
 

This could be you, using the VAST NETWORK that is the internet,
to do some actual research into Goth Culture before
nonchalantly calling yourself a goth just because you're wearing
a deep plum coloured matte lipstick.

5. What do you dislike about being goth? Firstly -  I dislike that the way I dress, which has always been "normal" to me, my baseline level existence is "dark and weird",  that my normal is considered not normal and worthy of being stared at, having comments made to me, being basically made to feel very uncomfortable anytime I leave the house.  Secondly - I dislike the fact that, despite being constantly made fun of and made to feel weird, there's now a weird fetishing of "goths" with the "goth gf" meme, where its OK to be goth, but only a very specific presentation of goth, which is usually not really that goth..  Basically the fact that some people outside the subculture are getting to decide what is and isn't acceptable as "goth" to palate their consumption of our subculture. At least the good thing about being goth is that I've basically lived my life not listening or caring to what people think about my presentation as a goth. Most of us have developed a pretty thick skin to keep out the bullshit and scrutiny, but it sucks that there is even bullshit scrutiny in the first place. 

Said every outcast in every generation ever

/hisses/

6. What do your parents think of it? My dad was the one who got me into most of the goth bands that I know and love, all the classics pretty much, and he's always been supportive of the fact that I've stood out from other people. Even when I wasn't as goth so much as some weird queer punk, I think that because he never dressed or identified out of the norm despite really loving a lot of alternative and dark bands, he takes some secret satisfaction from me getting to express myself however I want. I think my mom doesn't care how I dress or do my hair or makeup, in fact she loves to see makeup and outfit pics from when I go to shows and goth club nights. I think the only thing that bothers her is when I still act like a "morose, depressed" teenager, which like, has not been the case much recently as I'm not so morose as I am angry and energetic right now (thanks, metal music). I'm always complaining that their music (usually some chill jazz) is too chill and driving me insane. 

how i feel when chill music

7. Eyebrows or no eyebrows? I've done both. I shaved my eyebrows, sometimes I bleached my eyebrows, I currently have eyebrows. This question is actually interesting in terms of how my gender presentation is going.. When I have eyebrows, and draw them in more fully, I look way more androgynous/masculine, which I'm currently feeling very good about. In the past, when I've either shaved or bleached my eyebrows, my face looks a lot younger and more feminine. Every time i see an old pic of me with bleached brows I'm always tempted to do it again, but I know that it'll totally ruin my self perception in terms of my gender... but i still want to do it UGH

8. What is your favourite band? This is really tough, because I'm a huge music nerd and I love a LOT of bands and go through phases where I'm really intensely into one or two specific bands and I learn all about them... but I think that my long standing band, that I am always in the mood for, is Type O Negative. RIP Peter, wish I could've gotten to see you live. 


9. Your opinion on Marilyn Manson? He was amazingly smart in the past, I loved his albums up to Golden Age of Grotesque but after that things seemed to go downhill for him. His work always had great commentary on current politics and critiques of pop culture, and he seemed like a genuinely very intelligent guy. I've been disappointed in his last few albums, however, especially the latest Heaven Upside Down, because there is SO MUCH political garbage you could write about right now, the political climate in the US is probably the worst it has been in SO LONG, yet he's releasing garbage nonsense songs, cancelling shows because he's probably too inebriated to perform, and being actually abusive (not fake on-stage abusive). 
In terms of Marilyn Manson as "goth", I definitely feel he holds a place in bringing back dark alternative/goth into the forefront of subcultures back in the late 90's and early 2000's, definitely helped that he was coinciding with a rise in popularity of Nu-Metal as well. I don't think that there's any point in arguing that he's been very important and influential.     


10. What were your babybat days like? I'm not even sure when my babybat days were, since it seems that I was one for longer than I even realized.  It seems they were made up of wearing whatever dark clothing I could find from thrift stores, not being able to afford any real goth stuff / not actually having access to any goth stores, since they weren't a thing in the suburbs of southern Ontario (or at least I didnt know where to look other than head shops). Check out my post "My embarassing teenage goth/alternative phase" if you want to see what this was like. Coming to Montreal, I felt like I just dressed really weird all the time and listened to Type O Negative a lot and cried because I had no friends until I started University. At one point I became really obsessed with The Blair Witch Project and I own the soundtrack on CD and have the film + Bonus stuff on VHS and wrote a paper at school about it. Also, I went to Gay Goth Nite here ceremoniously and danced with fervor to any Skinny Puppy song. (That is, until Rose, the organizer, took it with her to Rhode Island. RIP Montreal Gay Goth Nite ) Oh, and I shaved off all my hair at one point too.    Here's a bunch of pictures from when I first moved to Montreal and through my first year and a half of Uni. 

                                 (skinny puppy tshirt)

                                                          actually a pretty good look

                                   Thanksgiving party with goth friends, taking a picture in front of my Corpse Food Painting


This post was really boring and personal! So if you read all the way through, thanks for sticking around!
Until next time,

TheAgenderAgelessOne

My embarassing teenage goth/alternative phase

Hello all ye who have once again stumbled upon my terrible, sparsely updated blog. You're going to be glad (or regretful?) of coming across today's post, though, for I am about to show you some horrific photos of my first dabbles into gothic fashion as a teenager. Buckle up, this is about to get real embarassing.

So, a little backstory first;    I didn't get into "real goth" culture or fashion until the end of highschool. My first steps into the Dark World were through visual kei and cyber goth, embarassingly enough. Since I had long prior been a metalhead, I had discovered Dir en Grey, who were going to play a show with Apocalyptica, and lets just say I got a little obsessed (as in, every Facebook profile picture I had for a while was a screenshot of some Dir en Grey music video, with some "totally random" caption and lots of XD emoji). In terms of other bands with notable goth aesthetics, I'd also been into Rammstein, HIM and The Rasmus for a long time, and most of my clothing through middle school to early highschool was comprised of hand-made band t-shirts, since I had no idea where to find real ones. There used to be waaaaay more photos of me from this time that existed on the internet, but in the last few years I regretfully found and deleted a lot of them.

PRE-GOTH hair

Possibly the earliest computer selfie of me, aged 13(?)
sporting some horrible black eyeliner,
a "self portrait" from around the same time, depicting my daily wear; a HIM tshirt,
plaid skirt, tights, and black leather boots

Me, on the left. Aged 14?? (Younger brother in middle, best friend on right)

I'd also long been into anime & manga and frequently bought Shoujo Beat magazine and Gothic Lolita, back when those were still a thing that existed. Through those magazines, I coveted the advertisement pages for platform shoes that I would never be able to afford, and I'm pretty sure I even saw an early ad for Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, from which I finally own some perfume! I loved Mana-Sama, Malice Mizer and Moi-dix-Mois, and in my spare time, started collecting clothing from thrift stores as well as colour contact lenses and wigs, that I could use to essentially play "dress-up" at home, since I would never have the guts to wear any of it outside the house.

For your viewing pleasure, I present to you the first embarrassing images, the result of that dive into Visual Kei fashion...

Oh, dear lord. 

     Interestingly, looking back at these images, I'm realizing what a complicated mess of gender this was; an at-the-time 'cis' identifying female dressing as a guy dressing as a woman? / future trans-nonbinary dressing as a guy dressing as a woman. BASICALLY, the whole thing feels like drag to me, and I remember it feeling that way at that time too ; anything about dressing up in a feminine manner felt always odd... (NOW WE KNOW WHY).   (Also, that is a wig, not my real hair)

    Within that same time period, I discovered..... CYBER GOTH!! Sweet Satan, I was again obsessed to the point of posting horrible cyber goth memes constantly on the interwebz, I was listening religiously to the likes of Eisenfunk, Centhron, Suicide Commando, Combichrist, and especially Zombie Girl, who I had a particular affinity for. I watched the music videos on repeat and showed all my friends.

An actual drawing I made, aged 15??
I am so mortified 

Not even going to mention how TERRIBLE this is
in terms of being obsessive over a very disturbing body type
(There was a time when I was very obsessed with extremely malnurished bodies, yikes)

 I flipped my shit when I attended an anime con and found a vendor selling various cyber-goth fashion items... leading to these next (horribly incriminating) photos;

        Baby's first cybergoth gas mask! I'm pretty sure I still have it tucked away somewhere, a souvenir for sentimental value, or if ever I need to survive a gas attack? (JK I'd definitely still die). Note the two different contact lenses; I think I'd probably started getting a bit into Marilyn Manson at this point, so that was probably influence from him...  I also started wearing contact lenses to school, and presenting in a significantly more androgynous way! (Way to go, babyqueer me!)

Actually not an embarassing photo at all

           I slowly moved out of the Cyber Goth fashion, and instead found myself enchanted with another goth subculture that was gaining a lot of momentum at the time; Steampunk (dun dun DUN!)
       Since the fashion for steampunk was VERY expensive, I only managed to collect a few accessories, but I wore them frequently, even to school. I also grew a queer mullet!

Oh lord this is THE WORST thing I have ever seen.

I also still have these beautiful hand-made leather steampunk goggles, which feature a bat-wing design on the side.
Terrible red shirt, though. 

        Honestly, you better believe that my social media was just a huge terrible shit-storm of memes/internet culture, obsessive posts about specific bands, and these terrible selfies.
   
As my queer identity started to grow a bigger part of my life, I went through a 1977-queer punk phase, (And also admittedly, a very intense and long Tegan and Sara obsession) which was significantly less goth than my previous fashion endeavors, but still cool (Plus, one must know the precursors and influences of Goth music to truly appreciate Goth!) ;

Aged 16. Interests: Playing bass & guitar, The Talking Heads, Joy Division, Bauhaus, The Birthday Party/Nick Cave,
The Buzzcocks. Fake Glasses. 

What a girl wants, what a girl needs

I was really into Nick Cave and also The Jesus & Mary Chain, and got really into the idea of having that big curly unruly hair, and being pretty boy-ish.

Having unruly hair didnt work out a lot of the time since I'm a WHITE BOY and
 had no idea about back-combing at the time. 

Makeup based on Rob Zombie's "Lords of Salem"

 The punk phase finally ended when I was dragged back into the darkness once again by Marilyn Manson, and I discovered Skinny Puppy (through my dad!) and Grimes (who had just become popular). I also was very obsessed with Portishead, and the kind of melancholic image created by Beth Gibbons with her long hair in her face, slouchy posture, and simple black pull-over sweatshirts, which actually influence my current style, now that I have long hair.

 By chance I came upon a Skinny Puppy t-shirt in some head shop and it became my everyday uniform; Skinny Puppy t-shirt over a button-down collar shirt, every day!!

   I think I'd also discovered Siouxsie and the Banshees around then, and decided it was O.K. to have bleach-blond hair and be goth, since the Banshees all had bleached hair.

That was near the end of my highschool years, so these pictures are the last for this post, since they are the last to fit within the timespan of "teenager" ... These are even worse than the last few pictures...

Right after highschool I did an exchange to Saguenay, Quebec, and CLEARLY had NO idea how to makeup.
That is 100% Definietly NOT lipstick that I used on my lips.
Same Skinny Puppy shirt as always .

Post- Highschool Graduation (Aged 17 or 18 here) , I took a year off to work,
then moved to Montreal. Here was my SUPER CRINGE-WORTHY sad, pastel goth phase....
AGAIN, same Skinny Puppy shirt 4ever!! 

Then I moved to montreal and THANKFULLY learned how to makeup better...  and also finally had an actual IRL goth community to interact with and goth & metalhead friends! And if you're one of those friends reading this, THANK YOU and I hope you enjoyed these embarassing photos of my teen years...  They've certainly been an interesting look at my progression of gothic fashion, but also I strongly feel that they depict my progression in presenting myself as an agender person. My style is definitely different than most goths, and I think this is because I'd always been trying to balance my dual identities as someone dark-alternative, and someone queer, by trying to mix the popular fashion of both worlds. I'd always felt like I could never look not-female, because everyone was constantly misgendering me, at school, at home, in the workplace, etc. But looking back at these photos now, I feel like I have actually always looked relatively androgynous, and I wish I could go back in time and console my younger self (and also beat up everyone who misgendered me.) 

If you have funny pictures or stories of your blossoming goth / queer teenage self, please comment them below!

Thanks for reading this super embarassing time-capsule post!
As always, your dark fiend friend

TheAgenderAgelessOne